thoughts on the designs of humanity

In the Immortal Words of Heidi:

2010-12-01T13:48:00.000-08:00

The Last Bean

2010-07-16T09:38:00.000-07:00

This is how I make coffee. It’s a bit of a process, but I stand by my theory that humans need process for sanity. The first step is grinding. I take the Caffe Umbria Mezzanote blend beans (my personal favorite decaf), and pour about a half a cup to be ground via mortar and pestle. This particular mortar and pestle came from a little shop in Italy that my wife and I visited during our year learning Italian at Villa Aurora, Firenze. Oddly enough, we didn’t purchase this while there, but instead it was gifted to us by my mother, who ordered it overseas.

The perfect grind is achieved when there is one last unbroken bean. I know this because no matter how hard I try there is always one last bean that taunts me by surfacing to the top of the grounds after I think I’m done. For some time my mind has struggled to accept how this bean inevitably escapes my grinding, but after several cups I’ve learned to accept it for the anomaly that it truly is and carry on. If you see two or three, keep grinding.

Next the beans go into the press, and you pour the hot water in, ready to stir them so they don’t sit stagnantly. You can get your hot water from anywhere (Instahot is handy, but I use our tea kettle). Once in, stir the beans lightly, enough to allow each piece to get a good bath, but not so much that you kill the froth the beans’ odoriferous oils produces. I use a long silver spoon for this step, but you can use whatever you want. Just be gentle with the glass of your press. At this stage you have a decision to make about just how strong your coffee is. The length of time you let it steep is directly proportionate to the amount of chest hair you’ll grow, so just be aware. I let mine go for 3-5 minutes because, let’s face it, I could use some chest hair.

Next, you push the plunger of the press down. This is a favorite step for me—perhaps because it means the coffee’s done, or maybe just because it’s fun to press it. After that, make sure the lid is open to pour, and fill up your favorite mug. The right mug can enhance the drinking experience. This time I chose one of my wife’s favorites, primarily because it was smaller, but also because I like the branding (sure, call me a brand-whore).

So that’s it. It’s a pretty simple process, but it’s one I’ve grown to love. I don’t even think I’d accept a lifetime supply of Starbucks VIA® Ready Brew (though I hear it’s quite good). I just couldn’t give up the appreciation this process instills.

Left Out

2010-04-06T13:54:00.001-07:00

You know that awful, helpless feeling of knowing that everyone thought of you, but thought twice? These chaps probably spent their lives wishing they could be part of the “normal” crowd.

Now, not many of us have troubles as evident as these fellows, but in a dog-eat-dog world it's pretty easy to find faults. It could be that you have a funny habit, that you need to comb your hair, or maybe that you're (forbid the thought) unique.

So, what are you supposed to do when you're the odd one out? You don't want to be a tag-along, or a complainer, and the natural response is to seclude yourself and stew. But when it comes down to it, stewing only makes you less personable, stressing the problem.

When I was a kid I learned a trick that helped me to stay positive: I thought about my most loyal friend. While it was natural to say “I don't have a friend in the world”, this thought allowed me to add an “except...” to the sentence. Even though that friend was seldom around when I felt down, just remembering that there was someone who was still my friend made me feel better—still not great—but better.

Encounters

2010-03-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about how much you're influenced by those you meet? It's easy to see in someone else, when they pick up common phrases their friends use. While we see it in those around us, we often don't realize that we're just the same way. However, it's not just as simple as what phrases we pick up, or even what bigger habits we form. It's a behind-the-scenes life-changing matter.

Imagine for a minute that you're a drop of rain rolling down a window pane (pardon the thought that we are mostly water). The window is already covered in droplets, some moving faster than others, and some not bothering to move an inch an hour. As you pass a small droplet, you join with it (minds out of the rain gutter, please). You receive something from it, and you leave a little bit of yourself with it when you go. You're also diverted at least a little bit. This is how it works with the people we meet.

Now take a step back from the window. As you watch the drop find its way down the window it's fairly easy to see that the path it takes is far from a straight line. In fact, it's downright crazy. It could start on one side of the window and end up on the other—or make it half way there and decide to come back. My point is, we can't just shrug off the things we glean from encounters. One way or another, they make us who we are.

Ready to Lose

2010-02-10T17:52:00.000-08:00

Shock—we've all experienced it in one form or another. It could be that you lost someone dear to you unexpectedly, or maybe that you failed at reaching a personal goal you were convinced you could achieve. Whatever the case, you've had to deal with the rectification between your expectations and reality.

It really is a crazy thing. Our brains are designed to experience a little time-out session when we first realize this difference exists. Time enters a no passing zone, and there we are, aware of the world around us, yet so far removed. We all know that this state only lasts a short while—if only we could lengthen it.

When it leaves we're bombarded with fear, anger, sorrow and a whole slew of emotions that we're never ready for. Of course, with time, we work through these emotions and return to (a version of) normalcy.

So, it's a natural thing to ask, "why aren't we always prepared—like boyscouts?" The answer: sometimes we are.

Have you ever caught yourself talking to the imaginary police officer? You know, the one you make up so that you can reason out just how you'll talk your way out of the ticket you deserve (maybe it's just me)? If you've ever prepped for such a phantom event, you'll know just what I mean. You and your bag of reasons will have already thought of every excuse and witty retort before you even get pulled over.

You've done it. Automatically, you've responded to the dilemma at hand, even though, usually, there isn't one. Face it, your brain is smarter than you—so much so that it's prepared you to deal with not just scenarios you'll likely encounter, but many others as well.

So what happens when they really do happen? Well, if you're like me, you answer the officer's questions with clear yesses and nos, and when he tickets you you thank him.

When you needed those convincing and witty lines, they were gone. It might seem the preparation has failed. But, now, just wait for it. After it's over the reasons will all come back. When they do, you'll feel the overwhelming urge to share them with the nearest captive audience available (pity the passenger).

While it may seem like your brain set up an elaborate defense system, it was really just preparing you for the emotional onslaught that is losing. You thought you were ready for anything—at least you were ready to lose.

Comfortable

2009-11-09T00:01:00.001-08:00

What things in your life make you feel comfortable? Take a moment to think about them. If you're at all like me, you probably just envisioned a loaded turkey sandwich, your favorite after-a-long-day chair, and a fresh-ground French press steaming in your favorite mugーor at least something similar. Well, whatever it is, I hope you're experiencing it right now, because it may be the last time you ever do so with a clear conscience.

No, I'm not going to lay a guilt trip on you about how other people are utterly without our luxuries, as true as that is. Instead, I'd like to share my latest epiphony: being comfortable is bad for you.

Aside from the worldly attachments we develop when visiting our "comfort caves", being comfortable is detramental in another way. When we feel comfortable, we close our eyes to growth.

By deciding that we're comfortable with our own levels of competence in our respective fields (be they professional or inspired), we stunt ourselves of the drive to exceed our previous performances. For example, my previously mentioned comfrort-vices keep me from discovering new types of sandwiches, gaining new perspective from other seats, and finding out how much I really would enjoy kumquat tea (?). While these things are fairly inconsequential, you can see where applying the same principle on a larger scale might reveal one of human-kind's greatest weaknesses: the lack of drive to improve.

Now, what were those things that make you feel comfortable? Think about them.

Losing is Such a Lovely Thing Indeed

2009-10-27T00:49:00.001-07:00

Losing is lovely because when you lose, you're tested. For example, playing golf is more a challenge of temper for me than of athleticism (though I do stink at the latter). Losing at golf means a poor scorecard, but a tried and controlled temper is much more valuable than any scorecard. When in competitive games like chess, losing means seeing someone else win, which, with study, can improve your game much more than playing an easy opponent and winning.

Anger

2009-07-17T23:34:00.001-07:00

Why is it that, so often, the things we lose our tempers about are those which ultimately matter the least?

Sirens

2009-02-11T12:23:00.000-08:00

In a city we're surrounded by noise. This noise comes from construction, neighbors, and advertisements, but mostly from the roads. One of the most distinguishable and recognizable sounds in the city is the sound of a police siren.

Police sirens tell us something upon blaring throughout the streets—somewhere, something's gone wrong. We get used to the noise, and figure that with a city so large, it only makes sense that bad things happen on a fairly regular basis.

But the sirens also mean something else. When something goes wrong, a solution doesn't usually present itself. Instead we have developed a system that tells us not only that something's gone wrong, but that someone is going to take care of it. Since we know that this meaning is also attached, we tolerate the obnoxious sound the siren makes, and we even pull our vehicles over to the side of the road, paying homage to the system.

The question I pose is this: for what occasion do you make noise? Are you more inclined to speak up when something's gone wrong, or when you want to be part of the solution?

Absolutely

2008-12-04T18:20:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I lived on Guam. My family would regularly go to the beach, and I thus developed somewhat of an understanding of the ocean—in a practical sense. I spent many hours playing in the waves, digging in the sand, racing hermit crabs and the like.

One day I went along with some friends who were going to a swimming hole with a diving tower. When we got there I saw the platform and thought to myself, "that doesn't look so high." Well, needless to say, when I found myself looking down from the hard concrete slab suspended above the ocean floor, the water in between didn't seem as forgiving as it had from below. And so I debated. I worked up courage, and then lost it. My friends showed me how fun it was, but it still didn't appeal to me, I told myself reasons, but I just couldn't remember them when I peered over the edge.

While I spent time working up the courage to take the plunge, something else was happening, of which I hadn't the slightest. On Guam there are 2 kinds of weather: rainy (really rainy) and sunny. This day was the latter. Now, I'm 1/4 Norwegian, and in Norway there is only one type of weather: dark.

While I was debating and mustering the courage to jump, the sun did a number on my white-as-chalk skin.

My point to this little anecdote is not that you should always wear sunscreen (although it's not a bad idea), nor that you should seize the day and take the metaphorical jump. My point is that some things are just absolute. I could have debated that jump forever. There are a million reasons both to and not to jump (not the least of which was my gripping fear). What happened to me has happened to many people—it's called "analysis paralysis." I spent so much time debating that not only did I miss out on life, I suffered the consequences of removing myself from normalcy.

I've found that courage is one thing that is absolute. Either you have it, or you don't. Don't waste your time trying to talk yourself into things. Do them, or don't.

Spend some time thinking about what things are absolutes in your life. When you find them, recognize them, even write them down if you must, but know that the recognition of these absolutes means you'll no longer be prone to analysis paralysis. Your life will begin to rid itself of worry and wasted time.

P.S. I never jumped from the platform—physically.

change

2008-09-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

I think I've figured it out. What's it, you ask? Change. People fear it, create it, adapt to it, and ironically enough, need it. Take for example a slow day. When nothing's happening, we come down with this awfully dreadful condition we call boredom. Really, this is just our way of saying "change something" to the world around us. Or how about fearing change? We've just established that it's something we need, so why do we often fear it so much? Well, studies will tell you that humans (like most other creatures) are creatures of habit—meaning that an astronomical percentage of what we do is done simply because we've done it before. This experienced feeling we have from repeating actions which have worked well for us in the past gives a sense of belonging. Belonging gives humans purpose. As I'm beginning to understand, the ability to change one's self is the most amazing way in which humans use change. We adapt. I just learned today that Eskimos who eat raw fish almost always end up developing parasitic stomach worms. Like me, you might grimmace at that and say "fix that," but just wait. Studies have been done showing that, while simply cooking the fish (as if it's really simple that far north) would keep the worms from showing up, it would also remove certain nutrients from the Eskimo diet that helps their immune systems handle the worms. These people have adapted to their environment, and without even trying. The next level of this type of change is seen when it becomes voluntary. By taking control of one's life, he/she can become increasingly stable in increasingly unstable conditions. In certain religions, people who meditate for extended periods of time have learned through conscious practice how to lower their heart rate and need for oxygen to a point where they can be buried alive for several hours, be dug up, and remain in perfectly good health. If these people can discipline themselves into a state that defies even death, who's to say that much of anything is beyond reach?
For the last several months I've been reading up on what makes a person wise. The best answer I've come up with for attempting to summarize this virtue is "the ability to understand and adapt to change." There, now practice changing.

mind-stripping

2008-08-20T23:22:00.001-07:00

It is my latest epiphany that the only thing worth living for is giving. Allow me to exemplify this with a little tale.
One night I awoke from my slumber to a voice in the next room. I quickly remembered that my grandfather was sleeping in the next room for a few nights while recovering from medical difficulties. At first it was hard to make out what he was saying, but I soon realized that he was talking to no one but himself, even in his dreams. He became more audible as he continued, mumbling phrases like "music was my life... I used to be so great at it. And now I can't even play my instruments." He continued on, his mind dealing with other things he's lost with his age. "I used to play tennis every day, and now I can barely hold a racquet." I was aghast with the thought that someday I too will be in his position.
What will I say in my sleep? What things will my subconscious take upon itself to unload from my mind as I waste away in my sleep?
Then it hit me. The only things that my subconscious will never have to handle in such a way are those things which I've given away. What things in life are so important that we really need to attend to more than giving? After all, we'll all grow old, and all our joys will be stripped from us... save for one—observing the fruits of our efforts in generosity.

Sleep to Dream

2008-06-15T17:01:00.000-07:00

Life is too short to ever decide that you don't have enough energy to do that which is at hand. If you live by this, it will be quite rare that you find a person who is not willing to let you sleep. In this is discovered the secret to rest: If one lives in such a way as to invoke a good night's sleep, his/her mind will also be rested—even throughout the storm that is his/her waking hours. We were not made to sleep in order to live but rather the opposite—living to sleep. And to sleep deeply after living accordingly is more satisfying than even the most revered of pleasures in this life.
The sleeper by whom life is fully lived can only be rewarded by the greatest of impossibilities. For in the same way that one should live to sleep, one should also sleep to dream. And for one who fully appreciates the idea of living to sleep, the prospect of continued life in the form of wondrous dreams becomes appealing.
In light of this, the purpose of dreams becomes clear. To dream the impossible is to continue living when the bounds of reality have halted one's experiences. In this way one can grow to appreciate the impossible, because it is an opportunity to continue living when little or no other venues exist to do so.

rise

2008-03-10T10:10:00.000-07:00

The other day I was thinking about hardships. Everyone knows they happen. Sometimes they're nasty, sometimes deadly, and sometimes they're just downright inconvenient. But what makes the difference? Well... right now I could go into the whole "severity of discomfort" spiel, but I won't. Discomfort, while sometimes physical, is many times just a mental construct. When something wretched comes along, what makes it so wretched? Most of the time it's just our own brains worrying. If the president of the United States was shot tomorrow, would there really be a good reason for me to panic? Would there really even be a good reason to stop doing what I was doing at the time?
Humans seem to think that getting angry, frustrated, or worried are good and natural responses to misfortune. They're only partly right. Getting angry, frustrated, and worried are natural responses, but they are not good. Take a look at some of the wisest figures to ever grace our history books. Ghandi is considered one of the wisest people who ever walked the sphere. What was his response to misfortune? What about Mother Theresa? Buddhist monks? Same story.
The truth is, getting angry only makes you more angry, and worrying is just silly. Morgan Freeman—playing God—delivered it very well in Evan Almighty (which surpassed my expectations...)

"When someone prays for patience, do you think God makes them patient or does He give them an opportunity to learn patience? When someone asks for courage, does God simply make them courageous or does he give them an opportunity to be brave? When someone prays for their family to be closer, does God just do it or does he give them an opportunity to spend time together?"

When something bad happens, isn't it just a chance to rise above the challenge where others would break down? If we can break our minds from the mold of anger, just look at the doors we open.

numbers

2007-09-29T00:26:00.000-07:00

just recently i was talking with a friend, and he mentioned how gold seemed to be the only currency in which you can put faith. dollars are just pieces of paper with user-attached value. i found his point to be very true, and was reminded of just how poor i really am. we attach so much value to that number we carry around on our little plastic cards and in our little folding wallets. then it hit me that not even gold is worth anything unless you can use it for something. i don't know about you, but i don't smelt my own solid gold jewelry on a regular basis —and even if i did, i'd need someone who would buy it with something that's useful to me, not just someone who'd give me cash. try living a happy life with the things you have... not counting that number.
our lady peace put it well in one of their album titles, "happiness is not a fish that you can catch." ever noticed that when you're busy and constructive you're happier? the best times in our lives aren't found in day-to-day living. i don't look back on, say, a school year, and say to myself "man... i'm so glad i got to sleep at a decent hour each night!" or "i'm really glad my meals each day were sufficient." instead, i remember times when i was tested and passed, times when i discovered parts of my personality i didn't know existed, times that i'll never have again. in the same respect, brad pitt delivered a great line written by chuck palahniuk (fight club), "hitting bottom is not a weekend retreat."

batteries

2007-08-02T22:49:00.000-07:00

batteries are interesting things. we put them in brand new, and then we forget about them until they die. really they only get attention at the beginnings of their lives and at the ends. what about all the batteries that outlast us? has it ever crossed your mind that when you put a battery in an appliance it may very well have a longer life than you will? all those clocks ticking, cell phones ringing, and lights glowing will still tick, ring, and glow without you. it's astounding what changes you can make in the world around you with such little effort. they're changes that may seem small now, but maybe later they'll be big to someone else—perhaps even after you're gone. so, what sorts of things do you put batteries into?

sacrament

2007-06-24T11:40:00.001-07:00

it's been said that if man was meant to fly then we'd have wings. why can't we have wings? are we not trusted enough? i often feel like people hold back my wings from me. so many rules, so much red tape. i feel like i can't make a difference in the world unless i bs my way into the system and then slip my ways craftily into my elders' minds. why can't people listen to the innocence of youth? there's something amazing that a child has before being dumbed down by people—and that is a 100% human fresh view on things. they see and feel what really goes on even before anyone asks for their money or time. maybe if someday people listen to children instead of stealing their innocence, we'd keep the wings we all had from the start.

déjà vu

2007-06-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

this morning i woke up in my room—in my room at home. i'm still waiting to actually wake up. this can't be real. i've dreamt this too many times to not wake up to a cold dusty room in italy. sooner or later it'll either hit me that i'm actually home or that this is the most elaborate dream i've ever had.
i never knew it was possible for someone to idolize an event like this. when i think of someone worshiping an idol, i think of someone going crazy over kurt cobain, or even buying the nicest newest subs for their car and thinking they're the deal. never this. i've been thinking about being home for so long that not waking up from the dream seems more unreal than dreaming.
now that i'm home, i'm appreciating everything i see. i take different routes driving home—just because i can. i guess the one last thing that i've learned from the experience of italy is carpe diem. while i want to be anywhere but italy right now, i know some day i'll miss some of the things i experienced there. i might even wish i wasn't spending my time longing for home. ah well. the grass is always greener...

ride with hitler.

2007-04-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

why don't we ever miss people until they're gone forever? i would like to suggest that perhaps it's because we're conditioned to. ever since the moment we're born, no one is ever truly alone. sure, for expanses of time one can be isolated — but even in that time, people are thinking of them, and there's the hope that someone still cares embedded deep in the nature of humanity.

while this picture was meant to be war propaganda, and no doubt accomplished it's goal, it also illustrates my point. even if your allegiance is with someone others despise, there's always someone who will take you in.
the message i draw from this is that there's never any reason to worry about being alone. worrying about such a thing only makes it harder for you to remedy your situation. if worst comes to worst, climb on board with hitler. he's probably good company.

your skull

2007-03-26T02:56:00.000-07:00

asleep or awake, working or eating, indoors or out of doors, in the bath or in bed — no escape. Nothing was your own except the few cubic centimetres inside your skull.
-George Orwell, 1984

it's true. take a look at what events have happened to you recently. could you stop all or any of them from happening? maybe hypothetically you can stop something from happening, but in all surity, nothing is 100% under control. if you think otherwise, try playing the "what if" game. for every situation, there's something that could potentially put us out of control of our own lives. as stated by georgio, the only bit we can control is the few cubic centimeters inside our skulls.
While most of us consider Descartes a total whack-job for wrinkling the grey matter over the most basic if>then loop ("i think, therefore i am"), the fact remains that he was right. the reason this loop is so important is that, setting aside cases of insanity and the possibility of predestination, this just so happens to be the only thing we can control.
what does all this mean? simply that the world will do what the world does, and we need only to make the best decisions we can.
oh, by the way, read 1984.

the lake of losing

2007-03-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

when mixing music, i get a lot of time to sit and think about each and every word that makes it on the track. this morning i woke up to a song i recorded with allison robins, called " the lake of losing". it's a heavily metaphorical song in places, and in others it's justly direct. one of my favorite lines is "all the lights through the room shut their eyes, step back, fall back, into the lake of losing." because it shows the type of blind faith it takes to lose everything. the song follows the underlying metaphor that there's nothing like losing certain things, and it even goes on to say that "losing is such a lovely thing indeed."
maybe losing the things we've been preparing ourselves to lose is really just a form of liberation. listen to it, and chew on it.

reasons to keep dreaming

2007-02-27T13:51:00.000-08:00

it's been said that nightmares are manifested directly from the the things a person fears the most. so having a nightmare sounds horrible. but could it be that they serve a purpose as well?
assuming that the above statement is true, a nightmare is as close as we may ever come to experiencing our worst fears. after waking up -heart pounding, sweaty-palmed- don't just shrug off a nightmare as a crazy manifestation that could never happen. while maybe some things dreamed could never actually happen, they may prepare your mind for something equally mortifying.
could it be that dreaming of something awful that you hope will never happen could be a good thing? if your mind has already dealt with the aftermath of said horrible event, then in the case of that very thing happening, your mind would be able to handle it much better.
in a crude comparison, it's like the way television desensitizes a small child. while our minds are in a particularly impressionable state, they're exposed to horrific things, and therefore they can handle it with reduced stress the next time. while it takes a small child a long time to desensitize to something like death, the most effective viewing is the first one. with dreaming, the horrific things we're exposed to come directly from our greatest fears. what better thing with which to desensitize a mind? so could it be that one nightmare could desensitize our minds to a tragedy just enough that, were the tragedy to actually happen, it would no longer induce the potential mental breakdown?
it surely points out the irony in the phrase "in your dreams."
sleep tight.

foretaste

2007-02-20T03:20:00.000-08:00

here's my most recent vice. not just this one. i've been working on a deck. aside from designing the full deck with a different image on each card, i'll be designing/constructing a box, and writing a blurb about each card, explaining the work of art on each one. sooner or later i'll find a good way to release card designs online, but for now, here's the queenie.
the deck's main purpose is to display the diversity of my graphic design work. each different suit displays different themes, and other issues are addressed in graphic form. the book of card blurbs will eventually be uploaded, and is a more concrete copy of the thoughts worked into the deck, but making the viewer wonder is one of the main purposes of the deck. keep your eyes open for more cards coming up.

auntie growth

2007-02-08T23:31:00.000-08:00

mother nature never supported auntie growth. experiencing one country and then the next shows this. what made man think that he was so high and mighty that he could build a tower to heaven? now all we have to thank ourselves for is a world that's the toes on the statue and a bunch of cryptic tongues.
languages are barriers between us. if you don't believe it, try experiencing someone else's culture without using a single word of their language. even if they know your language, you won't end up more than ankle-deep in their culture. so by building ourselves higher, and closer to understanding of all things, we actually stepped back by invoking these barriers on ourselves.
at the same time, differences between us create opportunities. if we never had to overcome understanding another language, we would never learn the type of patience that is needed to overcome such a thing. trees are good examples of this. if it weren't for one side with dirt and water, the side we well know would never exist. in the same way, the side that makes bumps in sidewalks would never exist without a network of leaves and branches above ground for the collection of the equally grande underside's neccessities. both sides feed each other without even knowing it.

there's a working man working man

2007-01-31T13:48:00.000-08:00

what is it inside us that always wants to be doing something? it's common knowlege that there are never enough hours in the day. why? is it possible that this desire to create is in our very nature? when an artist creates a painting, he/she is proud of it because it's a display of talent. it's easy enough to write off this pride as greedy, but what if there's something more to creation? each painting painted has a life of its own. to change even the slightest brush stroke would be to kill what it was, and reclaim life as something else.
in old photographs - really old photographs - many times people would move during a picture, as it took much longer to properly expose a slide of film. for the people in the photo, it was a mistake, but for the people viewing the photos years later, it brings up questions. did the moving person move on purpose? were they not aware they were being photographed? if they did know, would they have stopped for the camera anyway? judgements of character could even be made. in this way, the photograph's life is changing from the form in which it was originally created. every time it sends a new message to someone, it changes. keep your eyes open next time you open the family album.

breathe.

2007-01-24T14:12:00.000-08:00

how often do we really take in a deep breath? today i had the opportunity to take the deepest breath i've had in a while. any of you who know me probably know that my back's messed up. my wonderful girlfriend, mindy vixie gave me a really killer backrub, thus allowing my back and chest to be relaxed. when she had finished the back rub, i immediately noticed that i could breathe deeper. upon realizing this, i took that legendary breath. the cares of the last week - the stress, the emotions, everything - escaped when that breath exited my lungs. they were all blown away with my used up air. it was quite the experience. i've tried stopping to smell the roses, but rarely has it had the effect of a good, clean, deep breath of fresh air.

brothers on a hotel bed

2007-01-22T06:35:00.000-08:00

"You may tire of me as our December sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes
These wrinkles masterfully disguise
The youthful boy below
who turned your way and saw
Something he was not looking for
Both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize
When he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motor bike
With your arms outstretched trying to take flight
Leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed
We couldn't break from the concrete
In the city where we still reside
And I have learned
That even landlocked lovers yearn
For the sea like navy men
'Cause now we say goodnight
From our own separate sides
Like brothers on a hotel bed

You may tire of me as our december sun is setting
'Cause I'm not who I used to be"

this is a deathcab for cutie song that's definitely worth checking out. people spend so much of their lives looking for the person who matches them - who they can feel so comfortable around that they feel no pressure to be someone else. when they find that person, maybe they get so used to being with them, that it's just about like being alone. maybe we all need to find the person who makes us feel alive, instead of the person who makes us feel the most comfortable.

chairs in the arno

2007-01-20T09:17:00.000-08:00

now featuring: chairs in the arno

this is a band that got it's name from the arno river, here in florence. they are pretty much what it's all about. you thought it was the hokey-pokey, didn't you? well let me tell you. they wrote the hokey-pokey. i know that guy in the bottom left, ryan. he's the one here at our school who probably best understands how americans relate to italian culture, as he was a student here himself a few years back. he's also in a music video by the band air. sometimes one must break the social norms, and realize that "indy" isn't just a title for whatever sounds like complete cocophany but ended up somehow receiving a record label. listen to chairs in the arno, and be amazed at your sensibility.

home

2007-01-14T12:50:00.000-08:00

testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. looks like the blog works.

"You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of the sudden even though you have some place where you can put your stuff that idea of home is gone. ... You'll see when you move out it just sort of happens one day one day and it's just gone. And you can never get it back. It's like you get homesick for a place that doesn't exist. I mean it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for you kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I miss the idea of it. Maybe that's all family really is - A group of people who miss the same imaginary place."
-Zach Braff, Garden State

this hits home, pardon the expression. my family's beginning to reach the point where we all have to go our separate ways. it's not at all that we don't feel home when we're together, but pretty soon that place where my brother and i grew up will be gone as we know it forever. there's still a house, but it'll never again be what we will always want it to be. when someone asks me about some memory from my past, whatever variation of nostalgia it brings, i'll probably bring up the images in my mind starting with standing in the very life of our house.
i never used to understand what was so cool about driving past the house my dad grew up in, but now i know. and someday my kids will wonder what the big deal is when i point at a house as we drive by that place i'll still call home.